This one is quite harmless. Not as much uncomfortable, as overloaded. And just soooooo terribly frumpy. It made 20 year olds look like pious grandmas with gut complaints. This  was a middle-class fashion – decent, prim and proper – with as much sensuality as there is caffeine in a baby cappuchino. Sure, it was opulent! Those “leg of mutton” sleeves for one. So overblown that they sometimes needed a falsework (is that the word?), a mini crinoline-like cage of their own. Or this sickening overload of lace! Just screaming right in your face: I CAN AFFORD ALL THIS SHIT! KILOMETERS OF IT! AND I WILL PUT IT ALL ON NO MATTER HOW RIDDICULOUS IT LOOKS! This is no longer an ornament – there is just too much of it – it is a status statement, a vulgar display of (financial) power. Remember, this is the Biedermeier era. A time of good middle class values and a tacky middle class taste. Maybe I would not get scoliosis or breathing difficulties in this dress but I would sure die of boredom in it.

      Do not be fooled – this dress may look flimsy but it is in fact a sophisticated and highly uncomfortable structure with a heart of steel. Or whalebone and leather more like.

      Ironically, when it came in 1900,  this new look was considered healthier and “more natural” (hahaha!) than the torturous hourglass one of the previous decades. So ladies! Push your chest forward and stick out your bum! Go for the new, wonderful S curve silhouette! Of course you have a corset to help you. And as the S shape is a real unanatomical bastard to push one into – it is one hell of a stiff corset. Scoliosis gratis. I mean people are not supposed to bend this way! This terrible, drooping chest, tits and belly becoming one mass, and hanging over a painfully narrow waist… brrrrr.  They called it a pidgeon brest, you know? How lovely. Fashionable ladies of that era were supposed to “ooze confidence”, and this one certainly does, despite being nearly sawn in half. Which doesn’t stop me from feeling extremely sorry for her back. I mean try standing in the s curve position for ten minutes, and THEN ooze confidence. Not.

countdown

Apparently fashion is something so ugly it has to be changed every 15 minutes (that’s Senser paraphrasing Oscar Wilde). Which is exactly what I will try to illustrate here. 

It can also be right down ridiculous, monstrous even. Great to look at and a real bastard to wear. Most of the costumes I will deal with, are nothing else then elaborate, ornate torture instruments. But applied willingly (in most cases) and worn with pride. I can only imagine how it must have felt to dress like this all your life. 5 thick petticoats under an enormous skirt in a hot summer; a muslin gown no thicker than a tissue in a crappy English November;  steel corsets and monster wigs of the XVII century Spanish court; elk skin pants so tight that one had to get into a bath to take them off (to get them wet and loosened up a bit); ruffs so big you forgot what your body looks like from the neck down after a couple of years ; headdresses the size of a child car seat; so much bling that you could hardly move under its weight. 

Stuff that made you unable to sit (or bend in any way), walk, or breathe properly… Dresses that resembled balloons, bells or heavy armour. Hairstyles that would make early Lady Gaga look like a convent novice. And if we’re getting down to details and accessories: how about a penis etui that worked as a purse (will explain later)? Or a dead sable with a golden head used as a fashion accessory (and to repel fleas. seriously)?

Getting too absurd? No. Just odd. And glorious, because it all looked so god damn magnificent! So here is my ode to the Glorious Oddity – or at least its costume division. A word of warning – I am not a professional costume historian; rather an educated aficionado, so forgive me for occasional fuckups and inaccuracies. I hope what you see and read will be so absurd, that they will just slip by unnoticed. 

To start with – something simple and obvious. A countdown of my favourite horrendous dresses. Wish me luck.

The rowers are obviously in awe, and so am I. How did she manage to step off the boat in that dress??? I mean it is so tight fitting that it turns lifting a leg into an Olympic achievement! This lovely maiden is literally bound from her neck down to her knees. And this is not all. She is most likely hiding a bustle behind her behind. Not a big one, this is a leisure dress (believe it or not) after all. But still, there it is – looming on the left side, getting adequate attention from both men. That makes me wonder not only how she got out, but also how the hell did she managed to sit and fit in that narrow boat. Remember, bending (knees, waist, shoulders) is almost out of the question AND she’s got a few good square meters of fabric draped and piled up on her rear. But the worst of it is going on underneath that pretty dress. The cuirass bodice got its name for a reason. In 1874 it is a new and terrifying piece of equipement. A bloody monster of a garment. Extra reinforced, extra stiff, extra long. Reaching below the hips, shaping and molding so you can become perfectly slender, smooth and straight. Sure, it crushes your ribs and squeezes your organs into the shape and place they should never occupy… but look at her! She’s fit and she knows it!